Mrs. Claus has tired of her role as stay-at-home wife and is thinking of leaving Santa, according to a soon-to-be-published 8,000 word expose in the North Pole Reader.
Gretchen Claus, who met Santa in late 1849 amid the swinging Paris scene, is seeking a new life, close friends and business associates say.
In this “tell-all” article, friends and prominent North Pole socialites reveal to the North Pole Reader that her relationship with Mr. Claus has been under considerable strain over the last few decades amid reports of Santa having affairs with leagues of women, many of them married, in more than 100 countries around the world. Santa’s “mistletoe excuse,” once a reliable “get-out-of-jail-free card,” is no longer holding water with Mrs. Claus.
“’Tis the season, my ass,” she is alleged to have told one of the elves.
Since 2010, Mrs. Claus has worked part time as a consultant in the shipping business. She received an online degree in business via The University of Phoenix in 2009. Her clients include the Tooth Fairy and U.S. Postal Service.
The article alleges that Santa has resorted to using dextroamphetamine to stay awake during his travel. His drug habit, friends say, has impaired his ability to deliver the right goods to the right children. The drugs have also reduced his appetite to a considerable degree, meaning mountains of cookies and oceans of milk have gone to waste the night before Christmas.
Further, the Elf On The Shelf, a Yuletide trend that has surfaced in recent years, is a mole employed by Mrs. Claus to keep surveillance over her sex-crazed husband, the article says.
Once thought of as diligent workers, the Elves Workers Union has become more of an issue for the Claus operation as they demand less hours and better pay. Many of the elves have filed lawsuits alleging abuses vis-a-vis the North Pole Disability Act. Also, Mrs. Claus went gluten free in 2012 and has insisted the elves make gluten-free cookies, a change in policy that was met with great protest.
“It’s a different time,” one of the elves told the Reader, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It used to be fun. Now, it’s just a paycheck. “
Caine O'Rear 